Top Five And then Some

There Oughta Be A Law

I am guilty of many typos, but I hope I never commit the language crimes listed below. The following are the five things that people can say or do when talking that I find the most annoying. You will notice mumbling and always saying the wrong word didn't make the list because, well, I do those things.

Sorry for the negativity, but here goes.

Top Five Things That People Do When Talking That Piss Me Off

5. Using "borrow" to mean "lend" This would be much higher on the list (like #1), except for the only time you can hear people use "borrow" this way is in Minnesota. It is very common to hear full-grown adults say, "I borrowed him my book," when they actually "loaned him" the book. Nowhere else in America have I heard this and the rest of America should be thankful.

4. Throw Away Tag Questions How did these rhetorical devices become acceptable, know what I'm saying? It gets kind of annoying to hear the same empty catch phrase at the end of every sentence, don't you know? Wouldn't it be odd if someone answered yes or no to all of these questions, don't you think? Or maybe I'm just being too critical, huh?

3. Metaphors About Someone's Intelligence When ex-Texas Tech football coach Spike Dykes described an upcoming game as being "more open than a knife drawer in a barroom brawl," that was cool. But when I hear someone described as "not the sharpest knife in the drawer," I get annoyed.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I turning into a cranky old fart? Maybe that's one thing the country's education system has accompished during the Bush administration: we have exhausted the list of metaphors for describing people who are not the brightest bulb on the tree, one sandwich short of a picnic, one neuron short of a synapse, one pickel short of a barrell, a pancake short of a tall stack, a beer short of a case, one shit short of a dirty diaper....

Okay, so I made the last few of those up, which isn't helping my push to put an end these stale metaphors.

2. Redundant Acronyms There are some acceptable forms of acronym abuse. For example, I can live with "ATM Machine." Actually, no I can't. I'm a snob. I always call it an "ATM" on principle and roll my eyes at Emily whenever we hear someone say "ATM Machine."

The worst offense of acronym abuse I've ever been subjected to goes back to my days working as an Office Space type stiff in a cubicle at a medical benefits company. Here is another reason to hate cubicle life: I had to hear this supervisor say, "This is a for your FYI," over 30 times as she handed out a memo about some new policy.

"A FOR YOUR FYI." Are you shitting me? What's next, "Thank God it's TGIF" or "The Federal Bureau of FBI?"

1. Finger Quotes I don't know how else to describe this, but we all know someone who uses his or her index and middle finger to denote quotes while he or she is talking. This becomes exponentially annoying when said person does this indiscriminantly.

I mean it's one thing to use a finger quote here and there for emphasis, I guess. I can live with John says he bought this book that proves Al Gore actually (insert finger quotes here) "invented" the internet, but that seems pretty unbelievable to me.

But some people use these finger quotes so much the transcript of their conversation would look more like this:

"John" says he "bought" this book that proves "Al Gore" actually "invented" the "internet," but that seems "pretty unbelievable" to me.

It gets to be more ridiculous than annoying with some people. Actually, nope, it's just pretty much annoying.

Movies Seen Through the Eyes of a Child...

...but mocked as an adult.

I saw Hunt for red October a few months ago and found it to be quite mediocre, despite having been entranced by it when I saw it on the silver screen many moons ago. Then I remembered a few years ago, I was at a convention in, cripes, Mankato, Minnesota. Lacking a nightlife, I watched My Bodyguard on cable and I couldn't believe how unbelievably hard it was to watch. This was my favorite movie of all time (when I saw it at age 8), until I saw The Empire Strikes Back two months later.

So it this whole process got me to thinking, what movies did I love as a kid that I would now mock as an adult? Below are the top five, with #1 being the largest gap between loved-as-a-child and mocked-as-an-adult.

5. Star Wars--As a kid, we'd fight over who'd get to be Luke when we played Star Wars on the playground, since he was so freaking cool. As an adult, I can only say what a whiny little hayseed! His first whining moment comes when his uncle gives him some chores to do and Luke cries, "But I was going into town to pick up some power converters!" That says it all. Even at age 7, how could I take this guy seriously?

4. My Bodyguard--Sap-o-rama. Would be higher on the list, but there is a scene where Matt Dillon's bully drives the "bodyguard's" motorcycle into the bottom of a lake. It was very sad. It's one of the few times I got all teary-eyed at a movie. The scene still pulls at my heart strings. So, despite it's overall melodrama, this movie remains at #4.

3. The Dark Crystal--A great movie, especially for kids, at the time. But a recent viewing of it reminded me of Dr. Who more than the amazing fantasy movie I once thought it was. The dialogue is cheesy and in this era of CGI and elaborate sets, The Dark Crystal looks more like a high school play than a major motion picture. Jim Henson is still the man, and I think Dr. Who and the Dark Crystal are great given their context. But they have fallen from their "awesome sci-fi/fantasy action!!!" perch I placed them on as a nerdy 9 year-old. So much so that The Dark Crystal is very easy to mock as a cynical adult.

2. Innerspace--A Martin Short vehicle starring Dennis Quaid (was Meg Ryan in it too? Yes, Google just told me so). It appealed to me for the same reason Osmosis Jones did. Like the three movies above this was and still is a good movie. It's comedy is dutiful, Martin Short was funny back then, and the special effects are great for 1987.

But I LOVED this movie. I saw it with my friend CJ, then I made my mom go with me, my sisters were next, and I talked another group of friends into going with me for a fourth time. Everyone liked it okay, but no one thought IT TOTALLY KICKED ASS like I did. Having seen again a few years back, I now know why. Solid movie. But was it so good that I was willing to see it a second time, even if it meant being risked seen at The Galaxy Cineplex with my mamma at age 15? Seeing as how The Galaxy was the only hangout for teenagers on San Antonio's north side, I think not.

1. Cannonball Run--Shit. Pure shit. USRDA Grade A Shitloaf. I don't care if I was 10 at the time. I should have seen this for the shit that it was, not as a comic classic for the ages. Geez, I sharp enough back then to think that Every Which Way But Loose sucked ass. So how in the hell did I think Cannonball Run was a laff-riot?