Top Five And then Some

Where Everybody Knows The Song

A question I've been asking myself lately:

"What TV show has the greatest intro ever?" This is a very subjective list you are about to read, so I'd love to hear your opinions and your own nominations.

5. The Jeffersons Classic song. George Jefferson strutting into to the high rise has forever been burned into my brain.

4. Malcom In The Middle On this list solely because it uses a They Might be Giants song.

3. Hill Street Blues Do I need to even justify this choice?

2. Cheers Perhaps the greatest sitcom song ever (to accompany the greatest sitcom ever). I used to get goose bumps listening to it (fuck you for snickering, I was eight at the time), especially when the song was coupled with the old fashioned photos of people getting shit-faced. Drunken nostalgia is a powerful force, even on an eight year-old.

1. Futurama Probably a controversial selection at #1, but I'm going with my heart and will stand by this choice. People probably want to know why The Simpsons isn't even on this list and Futurama is at #1. Well, that's because Futurama has all the good things about The Simpsons' intro, and more! It has better music, more captivating animation, and cool scenes of the future that makes The Jetsons look like The Flinstones!!!!

Futurama dude!

Top Five Annoying Sayings

More negativity, but here goes. There are certain expressions that people use that make my skin crawl. Here are the five greatest offenses, unless you can think of others that can trump these verbal sins. This list can be considered as a sub-list of the previous list "Top Five Things People Do When Talking That Piss Me Off." This list is more specific. It can only include rote, specific phrases or sayings.

5. "What can I do you for?" I think some people say this without irony, thinking it's a folksy way of talking. Taking this into consideration, this expression stays at #5, despite being a double-entendre that was lame even in third grade.

4. Insead of saying "What did you say" on two, yes TWO, separate occasions two different Iowans said to me, "Twat? I cunt hear you. I have an ear infucktion. My dicktor gave me some penisillin." This does not speak well for Iowa. I mean seriously, a simple "What? You're mumbling," would have sufficed.

3. "If you don't like the weather around here, wait five minutes. It will change." This is the quote that inspired this whole list. As mentioned on Rachel's blog, we are going through some weather extremes here in Minnesota. And as I already mentioned I have heard this "If you don't like the weather" quote in Minnesota, Colorado, Texas, and Iowa. These proclomations are said with pride, as if it's some unqiue fact about the state. But the fact of the matter is, very few regions in this country are free of dramatic climate shifts. The Sonora desert is about as close as it gets, as far as I know.

2. "Exsqueeze me?" Not really used anymore, but it was damn annoying. Annoying enough to make it #2, over a decade after Wayne's World hit the silver screen. And it is at #2 because it represents one of my all-tme annoyances: movie/TV show quotes that make it into American vernacular. The Honorable Mention list (below) includes other such examples. I chose "Exsqueeze me?" mostly because it was the first time this overuse of a pop culture phrase really annoyed me. But it doesn't me as much as...

1. "Smell you later." Criminal. If you come across a person who uses this without irony, and truly thinks it's clever, consider it a warning sign. Maybe I'm a snob here, but seriously, stay away. "Smell you later." Cripes. It makes me cringe just to type it.

Honorable Mention:
-Is that your final answer?
-You're fired.
-Shwing! (another Wayne's World reference)
-"Beep beep!!" as a substitute for saying "excuse me" or, depending on the speaker, "get the fuck out of my way."
-Not that there's anything wrong with it. (Seinfield)

Top Eight States I've Never Been To

Below is a map of all the states I've visited. It's safe to say I prefer driving to flying when I travel. This map makes me look like a big Republican with all that red.



create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide


So I've been to 84% of our states. Of the eight that are left, I rank them below (beginning with the states I want to visit the least, progressing to the ones I'd like most to see). I would also like to add that this was no easy list to make. Each remaining state has so much going for it! I love this country and feel no need to visit Europe or any other country until I've explored the US to completion. This drives my wife crazy.

8. West Virginia Billy the Kid was from Wheeling, WV. The mountains look beautiful. But really I can't tell you much more about this state, other than it has a lot of miners.

7. New Hampshire Something else that drive my wife crazy: I can't tell this state from Vermont. There is a 50/50 chance I have this backwards and I have actually been to New Hampshire and Vermont is where I've never been. Either way, you've seen one New England state, you've seen 'em all. New England has a family of sextuplets. My life would be a lot easier if RhodeIslandDelwareConnecticutMassachusetsVermontNewHampshire were all fused into one state. A shorter, less-clunky name, like Mikeland, would also have to be in order.

6. Maine You've seen one New England state, you've seen them all. Or did I say that already? Plus I had a roommate my freshman year of college who was a complete wanker. He happened to be from Maine. But Maine stands out from all the rest because it has such a beautiful shoreline and shitloads of lighthouses. And it's in the corner of the country. That geographic fact alone makes it cooler than New Hampshire, no matter how much of a pretentious jackass my roommate was freshman year.

5. Nevada I should go to Vegas just once, to judge for myself what it's like. I don't fear I'd get carried away gambling cards or playing slots. But I do worry what would happen if I wandered into a sports bar. I think it would be fun to bet on a few games. The problem is I may want more and more of that fun.

4. North Dakota The Badlands. It has a kickass name and it looks awesome. This National Park alone is reason enough to push Maine and Nevada to the back of the line. Good thing, because I can think of nothing else about North Dakota.

3. Hawaii Mountains AND the ocean!?!?!? Are you shitting me? It sounds amazing. Would be #1 if not for the fact that you have to fly for a long time to get there. And it turns out I'm not the only one who is impressed that it has island life, mountains, and oceans all in one package. I think the depth of the tourism industry would grate on me.

2. Michigan There is something intangibly cool about this state. I love the lakefronts of the Great Lakes as well. The Upper Peninsula in the winter sounds incredible. Getting there via car would be a problem, though.

1. Alaska This is definitely #1 on my list. And I'm feeling a sense of urgency to visit there before global warming and oil derricks turn it into something resembling West Texas. So you non-bus-riding, suburban dwelling sonsofbitches stop driving those Hummers until I get around to visiting Alaska!!

There Oughta Be A Law

I am guilty of many typos, but I hope I never commit the language crimes listed below. The following are the five things that people can say or do when talking that I find the most annoying. You will notice mumbling and always saying the wrong word didn't make the list because, well, I do those things.

Sorry for the negativity, but here goes.

Top Five Things That People Do When Talking That Piss Me Off

5. Using "borrow" to mean "lend" This would be much higher on the list (like #1), except for the only time you can hear people use "borrow" this way is in Minnesota. It is very common to hear full-grown adults say, "I borrowed him my book," when they actually "loaned him" the book. Nowhere else in America have I heard this and the rest of America should be thankful.

4. Throw Away Tag Questions How did these rhetorical devices become acceptable, know what I'm saying? It gets kind of annoying to hear the same empty catch phrase at the end of every sentence, don't you know? Wouldn't it be odd if someone answered yes or no to all of these questions, don't you think? Or maybe I'm just being too critical, huh?

3. Metaphors About Someone's Intelligence When ex-Texas Tech football coach Spike Dykes described an upcoming game as being "more open than a knife drawer in a barroom brawl," that was cool. But when I hear someone described as "not the sharpest knife in the drawer," I get annoyed.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I turning into a cranky old fart? Maybe that's one thing the country's education system has accompished during the Bush administration: we have exhausted the list of metaphors for describing people who are not the brightest bulb on the tree, one sandwich short of a picnic, one neuron short of a synapse, one pickel short of a barrell, a pancake short of a tall stack, a beer short of a case, one shit short of a dirty diaper....

Okay, so I made the last few of those up, which isn't helping my push to put an end these stale metaphors.

2. Redundant Acronyms There are some acceptable forms of acronym abuse. For example, I can live with "ATM Machine." Actually, no I can't. I'm a snob. I always call it an "ATM" on principle and roll my eyes at Emily whenever we hear someone say "ATM Machine."

The worst offense of acronym abuse I've ever been subjected to goes back to my days working as an Office Space type stiff in a cubicle at a medical benefits company. Here is another reason to hate cubicle life: I had to hear this supervisor say, "This is a for your FYI," over 30 times as she handed out a memo about some new policy.

"A FOR YOUR FYI." Are you shitting me? What's next, "Thank God it's TGIF" or "The Federal Bureau of FBI?"

1. Finger Quotes I don't know how else to describe this, but we all know someone who uses his or her index and middle finger to denote quotes while he or she is talking. This becomes exponentially annoying when said person does this indiscriminantly.

I mean it's one thing to use a finger quote here and there for emphasis, I guess. I can live with John says he bought this book that proves Al Gore actually (insert finger quotes here) "invented" the internet, but that seems pretty unbelievable to me.

But some people use these finger quotes so much the transcript of their conversation would look more like this:

"John" says he "bought" this book that proves "Al Gore" actually "invented" the "internet," but that seems "pretty unbelievable" to me.

It gets to be more ridiculous than annoying with some people. Actually, nope, it's just pretty much annoying.

Movies Seen Through the Eyes of a Child...

...but mocked as an adult.

I saw Hunt for red October a few months ago and found it to be quite mediocre, despite having been entranced by it when I saw it on the silver screen many moons ago. Then I remembered a few years ago, I was at a convention in, cripes, Mankato, Minnesota. Lacking a nightlife, I watched My Bodyguard on cable and I couldn't believe how unbelievably hard it was to watch. This was my favorite movie of all time (when I saw it at age 8), until I saw The Empire Strikes Back two months later.

So it this whole process got me to thinking, what movies did I love as a kid that I would now mock as an adult? Below are the top five, with #1 being the largest gap between loved-as-a-child and mocked-as-an-adult.

5. Star Wars--As a kid, we'd fight over who'd get to be Luke when we played Star Wars on the playground, since he was so freaking cool. As an adult, I can only say what a whiny little hayseed! His first whining moment comes when his uncle gives him some chores to do and Luke cries, "But I was going into town to pick up some power converters!" That says it all. Even at age 7, how could I take this guy seriously?

4. My Bodyguard--Sap-o-rama. Would be higher on the list, but there is a scene where Matt Dillon's bully drives the "bodyguard's" motorcycle into the bottom of a lake. It was very sad. It's one of the few times I got all teary-eyed at a movie. The scene still pulls at my heart strings. So, despite it's overall melodrama, this movie remains at #4.

3. The Dark Crystal--A great movie, especially for kids, at the time. But a recent viewing of it reminded me of Dr. Who more than the amazing fantasy movie I once thought it was. The dialogue is cheesy and in this era of CGI and elaborate sets, The Dark Crystal looks more like a high school play than a major motion picture. Jim Henson is still the man, and I think Dr. Who and the Dark Crystal are great given their context. But they have fallen from their "awesome sci-fi/fantasy action!!!" perch I placed them on as a nerdy 9 year-old. So much so that The Dark Crystal is very easy to mock as a cynical adult.

2. Innerspace--A Martin Short vehicle starring Dennis Quaid (was Meg Ryan in it too? Yes, Google just told me so). It appealed to me for the same reason Osmosis Jones did. Like the three movies above this was and still is a good movie. It's comedy is dutiful, Martin Short was funny back then, and the special effects are great for 1987.

But I LOVED this movie. I saw it with my friend CJ, then I made my mom go with me, my sisters were next, and I talked another group of friends into going with me for a fourth time. Everyone liked it okay, but no one thought IT TOTALLY KICKED ASS like I did. Having seen again a few years back, I now know why. Solid movie. But was it so good that I was willing to see it a second time, even if it meant being risked seen at The Galaxy Cineplex with my mamma at age 15? Seeing as how The Galaxy was the only hangout for teenagers on San Antonio's north side, I think not.

1. Cannonball Run--Shit. Pure shit. USRDA Grade A Shitloaf. I don't care if I was 10 at the time. I should have seen this for the shit that it was, not as a comic classic for the ages. Geez, I sharp enough back then to think that Every Which Way But Loose sucked ass. So how in the hell did I think Cannonball Run was a laff-riot?

Top Five Strangest Sports

With the Super Bowl upon us, sports is on my mind. I'm sure there are a lot of sports out there that I have never heard of that deserve consideration, but to my knowledge and in my opinion, these are the five strangest:

5. Football--Yes it's ubiquitous so it should seem normal. But take a few steps back and look at this game as if you saw it for the first time. It's a very strange game. I remember as a kid, before I knew what it was, football fascinated me. Not because of the speed and athletics, but because of the pylons in the end zone, men dressed up as robots, and all those dogpiles. It was like an alien game out of laff-a-lympics. If it wasn't so ingrained in American culture, it could be much higher on this list.

4. Slamball--Basketball played with a trampoline floor near and under the basket. If you don't have cable and don't know what I'm talking about, see for yourself by by clicking here

3. Haggis Hurling--Men in kilts throwing cow stomachs that are filled with cow guts. Click here for more information.

2. Man vs. Horse Marathon--Like Haggis Hurling, leave it up to those crazy folks on the British Isles to come up with nutty sports. When I ran cross country in college we had a pretty good team. One of the rival coaches once told our coach "I'd love to have that stable of stallions you got." Well, too bad we couldn't have gone to this Man v. Horse Marathon and really find out if we were stallion-worthy. Click here for more information and some great pictures.

1. Motoball--Anyone remember this from the original Goodwill Games? I do. Soccer played on motorcycles. I'm shitting you negative. Click here for more. It looks like there's still some leagues in Germany, Russia, and a few other European countries.

Image from http://digilander.libero.it/cuoccimix


I've also heard of underwater hockey and underwater rugby, but that seems a little forced, so no top five list for those athletes.

Candy

It is fitting that I am 48 hours late with a candy-themed top 5 list (you know, two days after Halloween), as I have been neglecting this blog for the past week.

But candy has been on my mind a lot lately. Emily would say it's always on my mind, which isn't ture. I also think about ice cream and cookies. Either way, here goes:

Top Five Best Candies

This list excludes premium candies, like Godiva.

5. Reese's Miniature Peanut Butter Cups--Out of all of the Reese's products, this one has the best ratio of peanut butter to chocolate. Would be much higher on the list if it wasn't so annoying to unwrap the foil off each piece of candy. At least that keeps me from eating 978 of them in one sitting.
4.Hot Tamales These have a special place in my heart from my youth, but they stick to my teeth a little too much to make it any higher than the #4 ranking.
3. Hershey's Chocolate Bars--Classic. Old-school. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. You get the idea.
2. Orange Slices--Excellent sugar-coated texture and gooey inside. Fake orange taste is also very comforting. Goes down singing hyms.
1. Malted milk balls from the grocery store bulk bin--Whoppers wouldn't even make my top ten list. But Emily introduced me to the kind you find in the grocery store bulk bins. For some reason the malted milk part tastes better and the chocolate covering is much thicker than what is found on Whoppers. Consider it a chocolate-covered chocolate malt.

Honorable Mention: Snickers A reliable treat and the official snack of US Olympic athletes, but the texture isn't satisfying. Pearson Nut Rolls Salty goodness meets the sugary Promise Land. But again, I have issues with the texture. But the Pearson Nut Roll factory is across the street from my office, if anyone cares. M&Ms Another reliable work-horse candy. Fun to eat by the hand(s)full.

Top 5 Worst Candies

You will notice a hard-candy theme here (Seinfield had a pretty good episode about the ubiquity and uselessness of hard candy).

5. Starlight Mints--Those red and white after-dinner mints. Would be higher on the list for suckiness, if not for some random college story Zander told me years ago that ended with his friend saying "Starlight mints? You're the man!!" Now I can't get that damn quote out of my head whenever I see the mints. Which is okay, because it makes me happy.
4. All-Day Suckers--Pointless. Serve as much function in life as the Pet Rock, or the inflatable globe/beach ball that my mother-in-law bought me because I want a real, old-fashioned globe.
3. Jolly Ranchers--Overrated. I remember my peers loving these things when I was a kid. I also remember some of my 3rd grade classmates who fancied themselves as budding comedians. With their amazing vocaublary range, they began calling Jolly Ranchers, "Gay Farmers." Truth be told, Jolly Ranchers suck as much ass as that stupid joke.
2. Ju Ju Fruits-- Zander loves these things and I don't know why. They taste like rubber with food coloring on it and I literally fear my filling will get pulled out when I chew them.
1. Chocolate Covered Cherries--I should visit an Ear, Nose, & Throat doctor just to prove to the world that it is physically impossible for me to swallow fruit if it's not in its raw, unadulterated state. I don't know if insurance would cover this visit, but I do know that my gag reflex kicks in at the sight of the syrup and cherry at the center of these nuggets of doom.