Top Five And then Some

2004-08-10T20:38:00.000-07:00

Where Everybody Knows The Song

A question I've been asking myself lately:

"What TV show has the greatest intro ever?" This is a very subjective list you are about to read, so I'd love to hear your opinions and your own nominations.

5. The Jeffersons Classic song. George Jefferson strutting into to the high rise has forever been burned into my brain.

4. Malcom In The Middle On this list solely because it uses a They Might be Giants song.

3. Hill Street Blues Do I need to even justify this choice?

2. Cheers Perhaps the greatest sitcom song ever (to accompany the greatest sitcom ever). I used to get goose bumps listening to it (fuck you for snickering, I was eight at the time), especially when the song was coupled with the old fashioned photos of people getting shit-faced. Drunken nostalgia is a powerful force, even on an eight year-old.

1. Futurama Probably a controversial selection at #1, but I'm going with my heart and will stand by this choice. People probably want to know why The Simpsons isn't even on this list and Futurama is at #1. Well, that's because Futurama has all the good things about The Simpsons' intro, and more! It has better music, more captivating animation, and cool scenes of the future that makes The Jetsons look like The Flinstones!!!!

Futurama dude!

2004-04-28T17:18:00.000-07:00

Top Five Annoying Sayings

More negativity, but here goes. There are certain expressions that people use that make my skin crawl. Here are the five greatest offenses, unless you can think of others that can trump these verbal sins. This list can be considered as a sub-list of the previous list "Top Five Things People Do When Talking That Piss Me Off." This list is more specific. It can only include rote, specific phrases or sayings.

5. "What can I do you for?" I think some people say this without irony, thinking it's a folksy way of talking. Taking this into consideration, this expression stays at #5, despite being a double-entendre that was lame even in third grade.

4. Insead of saying "What did you say" on two, yes TWO, separate occasions two different Iowans said to me, "Twat? I cunt hear you. I have an ear infucktion. My dicktor gave me some penisillin." This does not speak well for Iowa. I mean seriously, a simple "What? You're mumbling," would have sufficed.

3. "If you don't like the weather around here, wait five minutes. It will change." This is the quote that inspired this whole list. As mentioned on Rachel's blog, we are going through some weather extremes here in Minnesota. And as I already mentioned I have heard this "If you don't like the weather" quote in Minnesota, Colorado, Texas, and Iowa. These proclomations are said with pride, as if it's some unqiue fact about the state. But the fact of the matter is, very few regions in this country are free of dramatic climate shifts. The Sonora desert is about as close as it gets, as far as I know.

2. "Exsqueeze me?" Not really used anymore, but it was damn annoying. Annoying enough to make it #2, over a decade after Wayne's World hit the silver screen. And it is at #2 because it represents one of my all-tme annoyances: movie/TV show quotes that make it into American vernacular. The Honorable Mention list (below) includes other such examples. I chose "Exsqueeze me?" mostly because it was the first time this overuse of a pop culture phrase really annoyed me. But it doesn't me as much as...

1. "Smell you later." Criminal. If you come across a person who uses this without irony, and truly thinks it's clever, consider it a warning sign. Maybe I'm a snob here, but seriously, stay away. "Smell you later." Cripes. It makes me cringe just to type it.

Honorable Mention:
-Is that your final answer?
-You're fired.
-Shwing! (another Wayne's World reference)
-"Beep beep!!" as a substitute for saying "excuse me" or, depending on the speaker, "get the fuck out of my way."
-Not that there's anything wrong with it. (Seinfield)

2004-03-27T14:38:00.000-08:00

Top Eight States I've Never Been To

Below is a map of all the states I've visited. It's safe to say I prefer driving to flying when I travel. This map makes me look like a big Republican with all that red.

create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide

So I've been to 84% of our states. Of the eight that are left, I rank them below (beginning with the states I want to visit the least, progressing to the ones I'd like most to see). I would also like to add that this was no easy list to make. Each remaining state has so much going for it! I love this country and feel no need to visit Europe or any other country until I've explored the US to completion. This drives my wife crazy.

8. West Virginia Billy the Kid was from Wheeling, WV. The mountains look beautiful. But really I can't tell you much more about this state, other than it has a lot of miners.

7. New Hampshire Something else that drive my wife crazy: I can't tell this state from Vermont. There is a 50/50 chance I have this backwards and I have actually been to New Hampshire and Vermont is where I've never been. Either way, you've seen one New England state, you've seen 'em all. New England has a family of sextuplets. My life would be a lot easier if RhodeIslandDelwareConnecticutMassachusetsVermontNewHampshire were all fused into one state. A shorter, less-clunky name, like Mikeland, would also have to be in order.

6. Maine You've seen one New England state, you've seen them all. Or did I say that already? Plus I had a roommate my freshman year of college who was a complete wanker. He happened to be from Maine. But Maine stands out from all the rest because it has such a beautiful shoreline and shitloads of lighthouses. And it's in the corner of the country. That geographic fact alone makes it cooler than New Hampshire, no matter how much of a pretentious jackass my roommate was freshman year.

5. Nevada I should go to Vegas just once, to judge for myself what it's like. I don't fear I'd get carried away gambling cards or playing slots. But I do worry what would happen if I wandered into a sports bar. I think it would be fun to bet on a few games. The problem is I may want more and more of that fun.

4. North Dakota The Badlands. It has a kickass name and it looks awesome. This National Park alone is reason enough to push Maine and Nevada to the back of the line. Good thing, because I can think of nothing else about North Dakota.

3. Hawaii Mountains AND the ocean!?!?!? Are you shitting me? It sounds amazing. Would be #1 if not for the fact that you have to fly for a long time to get there. And it turns out I'm not the only one who is impressed that it has island life, mountains, and oceans all in one package. I think the depth of the tourism industry would grate on me.

2. Michigan There is something intangibly cool about this state. I love the lakefronts of the Great Lakes as well. The Upper Peninsula in the winter sounds incredible. Getting there via car would be a problem, though.

1. Alaska This is definitely #1 on my list. And I'm feeling a sense of urgency to visit there before global warming and oil derricks turn it into something resembling West Texas. So you non-bus-riding, suburban dwelling sonsofbitches stop driving those Hummers until I get around to visiting Alaska!!

2004-02-24T17:22:00.000-08:00

There Oughta Be A Law

I am guilty of many typos, but I hope I never commit the language crimes listed below. The following are the five things that people can say or do when talking that I find the most annoying. You will notice mumbling and always saying the wrong word didn't make the list because, well, I do those things.

Sorry for the negativity, but here goes.

Top Five Things That People Do When Talking That Piss Me Off

5. Using "borrow" to mean "lend" This would be much higher on the list (like #1), except for the only time you can hear people use "borrow" this way is in Minnesota. It is very common to hear full-grown adults say, "I borrowed him my book," when they actually "loaned him" the book. Nowhere else in America have I heard this and the rest of America should be thankful.

4. Throw Away Tag Questions How did these rhetorical devices become acceptable, know what I'm saying? It gets kind of annoying to hear the same empty catch phrase at the end of every sentence, don't you know? Wouldn't it be odd if someone answered yes or no to all of these questions, don't you think? Or maybe I'm just being too critical, huh?

3. Metaphors About Someone's Intelligence When ex-Texas Tech football coach Spike Dykes described an upcoming game as being "more open than a knife drawer in a barroom brawl," that was cool. But when I hear someone described as "not the sharpest knife in the drawer," I get annoyed.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I turning into a cranky old fart? Maybe that's one thing the country's education system has accompished during the Bush administration: we have exhausted the list of metaphors for describing people who are not the brightest bulb on the tree, one sandwich short of a picnic, one neuron short of a synapse, one pickel short of a barrell, a pancake short of a tall stack, a beer short of a case, one shit short of a dirty diaper....

Okay, so I made the last few of those up, which isn't helping my push to put an end these stale metaphors.

2. Redundant Acronyms There are some acceptable forms of acronym abuse. For example, I can live with "ATM Machine." Actually, no I can't. I'm a snob. I always call it an "ATM" on principle and roll my eyes at Emily whenever we hear someone say "ATM Machine."

The worst offense of acronym abuse I've ever been subjected to goes back to my days working as an Office Space type stiff in a cubicle at a medical benefits company. Here is another reason to hate cubicle life: I had to hear this supervisor say, "This is a for your FYI," over 30 times as she handed out a memo about some new policy.

"A FOR YOUR FYI." Are you shitting me? What's next, "Thank God it's TGIF" or "The Federal Bureau of FBI?"

1. Finger Quotes I don't know how else to describe this, but we all know someone who uses his or her index and middle finger to denote quotes while he or she is talking. This becomes exponentially annoying when said person does this indiscriminantly.

I mean it's one thing to use a finger quote here and there for emphasis, I guess. I can live with John says he bought this book that proves Al Gore actually (insert finger quotes here) "invented" the internet, but that seems pretty unbelievable to me.

But some people use these finger quotes so much the transcript of their conversation would look more like this:

"John" says he "bought" this book that proves "Al Gore" actually "invented" the "internet," but that seems "pretty unbelievable" to me.

It gets to be more ridiculous than annoying with some people. Actually, nope, it's just pretty much annoying.

2004-02-04T04:36:00.000-08:00

Movies Seen Through the Eyes of a Child...

...but mocked as an adult.

I saw Hunt for red October a few months ago and found it to be quite mediocre, despite having been entranced by it when I saw it on the silver screen many moons ago. Then I remembered a few years ago, I was at a convention in, cripes, Mankato, Minnesota. Lacking a nightlife, I watched My Bodyguard on cable and I couldn't believe how unbelievably hard it was to watch. This was my favorite movie of all time (when I saw it at age 8), until I saw The Empire Strikes Back two months later.

So it this whole process got me to thinking, what movies did I love as a kid that I would now mock as an adult? Below are the top five, with #1 being the largest gap between loved-as-a-child and mocked-as-an-adult.

5. Star Wars--As a kid, we'd fight over who'd get to be Luke when we played Star Wars on the playground, since he was so freaking cool. As an adult, I can only say what a whiny little hayseed! His first whining moment comes when his uncle gives him some chores to do and Luke cries, "But I was going into town to pick up some power converters!" That says it all. Even at age 7, how could I take this guy seriously?

4. My Bodyguard--Sap-o-rama. Would be higher on the list, but there is a scene where Matt Dillon's bully drives the "bodyguard's" motorcycle into the bottom of a lake. It was very sad. It's one of the few times I got all teary-eyed at a movie. The scene still pulls at my heart strings. So, despite it's overall melodrama, this movie remains at #4.

3. The Dark Crystal--A great movie, especially for kids, at the time. But a recent viewing of it reminded me of Dr. Who more than the amazing fantasy movie I once thought it was. The dialogue is cheesy and in this era of CGI and elaborate sets, The Dark Crystal looks more like a high school play than a major motion picture. Jim Henson is still the man, and I think Dr. Who and the Dark Crystal are great given their context. But they have fallen from their "awesome sci-fi/fantasy action!!!" perch I placed them on as a nerdy 9 year-old. So much so that The Dark Crystal is very easy to mock as a cynical adult.

2. Innerspace--A Martin Short vehicle starring Dennis Quaid (was Meg Ryan in it too? Yes, Google just told me so). It appealed to me for the same reason Osmosis Jones did. Like the three movies above this was and still is a good movie. It's comedy is dutiful, Martin Short was funny back then, and the special effects are great for 1987.

But I LOVED this movie. I saw it with my friend CJ, then I made my mom go with me, my sisters were next, and I talked another group of friends into going with me for a fourth time. Everyone liked it okay, but no one thought IT TOTALLY KICKED ASS like I did. Having seen again a few years back, I now know why. Solid movie. But was it so good that I was willing to see it a second time, even if it meant being risked seen at The Galaxy Cineplex with my mamma at age 15? Seeing as how The Galaxy was the only hangout for teenagers on San Antonio's north side, I think not.

1. Cannonball Run--Shit. Pure shit. USRDA Grade A Shitloaf. I don't care if I was 10 at the time. I should have seen this for the shit that it was, not as a comic classic for the ages. Geez, I sharp enough back then to think that Every Which Way But Loose sucked ass. So how in the hell did I think Cannonball Run was a laff-riot?

2004-01-25T20:03:00.000-08:00

Top Five Strangest Sports

With the Super Bowl upon us, sports is on my mind. I'm sure there are a lot of sports out there that I have never heard of that deserve consideration, but to my knowledge and in my opinion, these are the five strangest:

5. Football--Yes it's ubiquitous so it should seem normal. But take a few steps back and look at this game as if you saw it for the first time. It's a very strange game. I remember as a kid, before I knew what it was, football fascinated me. Not because of the speed and athletics, but because of the pylons in the end zone, men dressed up as robots, and all those dogpiles. It was like an alien game out of laff-a-lympics. If it wasn't so ingrained in American culture, it could be much higher on this list.

4. Slamball--Basketball played with a trampoline floor near and under the basket. If you don't have cable and don't know what I'm talking about, see for yourself by by clicking here

3. Haggis Hurling--Men in kilts throwing cow stomachs that are filled with cow guts. Click here for more information.

2. Man vs. Horse Marathon--Like Haggis Hurling, leave it up to those crazy folks on the British Isles to come up with nutty sports. When I ran cross country in college we had a pretty good team. One of the rival coaches once told our coach "I'd love to have that stable of stallions you got." Well, too bad we couldn't have gone to this Man v. Horse Marathon and really find out if we were stallion-worthy. Click here for more information and some great pictures.

1. Motoball--Anyone remember this from the original Goodwill Games? I do. Soccer played on motorcycles. I'm shitting you negative. Click here for more. It looks like there's still some leagues in Germany, Russia, and a few other European countries.

Image from http://digilander.libero.it/cuoccimix

I've also heard of underwater hockey and underwater rugby, but that seems a little forced, so no top five list for those athletes.

2003-11-02T09:59:00.001-08:00

Candy

It is fitting that I am 48 hours late with a candy-themed top 5 list (you know, two days after Halloween), as I have been neglecting this blog for the past week.

But candy has been on my mind a lot lately. Emily would say it's always on my mind, which isn't ture. I also think about ice cream and cookies. Either way, here goes:

Top Five Best Candies

This list excludes premium candies, like Godiva.

5. Reese's Miniature Peanut Butter Cups--Out of all of the Reese's products, this one has the best ratio of peanut butter to chocolate. Would be much higher on the list if it wasn't so annoying to unwrap the foil off each piece of candy. At least that keeps me from eating 978 of them in one sitting.
4.Hot Tamales These have a special place in my heart from my youth, but they stick to my teeth a little too much to make it any higher than the #4 ranking.
3. Hershey's Chocolate Bars--Classic. Old-school. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. You get the idea.
2. Orange Slices--Excellent sugar-coated texture and gooey inside. Fake orange taste is also very comforting. Goes down singing hyms.
1. Malted milk balls from the grocery store bulk bin--Whoppers wouldn't even make my top ten list. But Emily introduced me to the kind you find in the grocery store bulk bins. For some reason the malted milk part tastes better and the chocolate covering is much thicker than what is found on Whoppers. Consider it a chocolate-covered chocolate malt.

Honorable Mention: Snickers A reliable treat and the official snack of US Olympic athletes, but the texture isn't satisfying. Pearson Nut Rolls Salty goodness meets the sugary Promise Land. But again, I have issues with the texture. But the Pearson Nut Roll factory is across the street from my office, if anyone cares. M&Ms Another reliable work-horse candy. Fun to eat by the hand(s)full.

Top 5 Worst Candies

You will notice a hard-candy theme here (Seinfield had a pretty good episode about the ubiquity and uselessness of hard candy).

5. Starlight Mints--Those red and white after-dinner mints. Would be higher on the list for suckiness, if not for some random college story Zander told me years ago that ended with his friend saying "Starlight mints? You're the man!!" Now I can't get that damn quote out of my head whenever I see the mints. Which is okay, because it makes me happy.
4. All-Day Suckers--Pointless. Serve as much function in life as the Pet Rock, or the inflatable globe/beach ball that my mother-in-law bought me because I want a real, old-fashioned globe.
3. Jolly Ranchers--Overrated. I remember my peers loving these things when I was a kid. I also remember some of my 3rd grade classmates who fancied themselves as budding comedians. With their amazing vocaublary range, they began calling Jolly Ranchers, "Gay Farmers." Truth be told, Jolly Ranchers suck as much ass as that stupid joke.
2. Ju Ju Fruits-- Zander loves these things and I don't know why. They taste like rubber with food coloring on it and I literally fear my filling will get pulled out when I chew them.
1. Chocolate Covered Cherries--I should visit an Ear, Nose, & Throat doctor just to prove to the world that it is physically impossible for me to swallow fruit if it's not in its raw, unadulterated state. I don't know if insurance would cover this visit, but I do know that my gag reflex kicks in at the sight of the syrup and cherry at the center of these nuggets of doom.

2003-10-19T19:31:00.000-07:00

Things That Freak Me Out--revisited

Polo really does freak me out. Ot maybe it just stresses me out. But it is a damn weird sport, and do those horses keep from a having a demolition derby pile-up every two minutes? I say al this, because I may be forced to take it off my top 5 list.

Here's why, during today's Vikings/Broncos (Skol Vikings!!) game, the Broncos quarterback got thrown to the turf just after releasing the ball. When he got to his knees to begin to get up, he sticks his hand out and shows it to the sideline, where the trainers are. And what he is showing them is his pinkie had been broken at the knuckle and is now bent 90 degrees to the right.

And this is what freaks the shit out of me: football injuries, of this very specific type. It must involve a break at a joint and the lateral limb will suddenly sway back and forth or simply contort. It's cruel but true, I don't get squeamish at all when seeing much more serious but less graphic injuries during a game.

There was Joe Theisman's broken knee back in the 80s, and some lineman for the Bengals ankle in the Super Bowl in the 90s, and now this quarterback's pinkie in the 2000s. All of these images have been burned in my mind.

Damn, I can't remember when Emily tells me what we have planned for the weekend. But I remember vividly that Lawrence Taylor broke Joe Thiesman's leg and his leg from the shinbone and below swayed back and forth like a pendulum, on Monday Night Football.

Maybe Emily should show me pictures like this whenever she wants to tell me something I need to remember. That will engrave our plans for Thursday night deeply into my mental calendar.

So I think I'll remove the pork rinds. I kind of stuck that one in there, although it is the most freakish food ever, and my earlier rant about polo has convinced me it needs to stay.

Since I already forgot one thing that freaks me out, what other possibilities am I forgetting (prehaps by choice?). Let me know. But for now...

Top Five Things that Freak Me Out--revised and subject to change

5. Polo
4. Clowns
3. Football Injuiries Involving Broken Joints and Lateral Halves of Body Parts Unnaturally Contorted by 90 Degrees OR Unnaturally Swaying Like A Pendulum
2. Unflushed Toilets
1. Siamese Twins

2003-10-17T18:40:00.000-07:00

Things That Freak Me Out

5. Polo
4. Clowns
3. Pork rinds
2. Unflushed toilets
1. Siamese twins

2003-10-07T20:20:00.000-07:00

Yoplait Yougurt

It's amazing how yogurt and granola bars have evolved (or maybe even mutated) over the past 20 years. What passes as yogurt and granola bars today was considered pudding and candy bars back in the day. I no longer eat granola bars, but I do my best to have a yogurt a day. And in doing my part to fight breast cancer, we usually buy Yoplait.

But cripes, what's up with the pretentious names? Cherry Orchard? You've got to be shitting me. Just call it "cherry," or people might assume that all the other elements of a cherry orchard are included in the taste. You know, the dirt, fertilizer, wood, leaves, and bark. But I digress...

Top 5 Best Flavors
5. Strawberry Kiwi
4. Lemon Burst
3. Orange Creme
2. White Chocolate Raspberry
1. Key Lime Pie

Top 5 Worst Flavors
You may note ine reading this list that I have issues with berries that don't begin with the word "straw."
5. Mixed Berry
4. Mountain Blueberry
3. Blueberry Crumble (never had it, but guilty by association)
2. Blackberry Harvest (never had it either, but it rockets up to the #2 spot for the shitarific name)
1. Cherry Orchard

2003-09-30T18:45:00.000-07:00

School Mascots

Top four mascots of the four schools I have attended.

4. Pioneers (Grinnell College) Lame. But not as lame as the Olies (St. Olaf), Carls (Carleton), Tommies (St. Thomas), Johnnies (St. J...oh you get the point). And nowhere near as lame as the Plainsmen (Nebraska Weslyan). Cripes, the Plainsmen?

3. Golden Gophers (University of Minnesota) Would be #4, if not for the fact that Goldie the Gopher appears to be a chipmunk. For some reason I find that pretty cool. Click here to see for yourself; it's a pretty funny story.

Image from http://www.obeygiant.com/

2. Hawkeyes (University of Iowa) Cool name, from an even cooler university, in an even cooler city.

1. Mules (Alamo Heights High School) First place mostly because of "M-U-L-L-E-S" battle cry the cheerleaders commanded at EVERY pep rally EVERY year.

You'd think in the four years I was there, the cheerleaders would have realized that it was a bad idea to use a five-letter mascot in a cheer designed for a six-letter mascot. One half of the gym was supposed to shout "M-U-L" and the other half was to follow with with "L-E-S," and then we all were to yell "GO MULES!!!!" in a hysterical, spirit-inspired unison.

Everyone just said "go mulles" instead.

2003-09-28T19:47:00.000-07:00

Ben Stiller Movies

Something About Mary was on TV tonight. I only watched the first five minutes of it tonight (I have seen it before). However, it got me to thinking, Ben Stiller has been in some very worthwhile, if not excellent, movies. I also go back and forth in my mind as to whether or not Something About Mary is as funny as people make it out to be. I think a "Top Five Farrelly Brothers Movies" will definitely appear on this blog soon.

But for now, we'll stick with the highly talented and often funny Ben Stiller. I choose five, and only five, because it makes this a little more challenging. Some tough cuts will have to be made. Here we go...

5. Zero Effect
4. Something About Mary
3. Meet the Parents
2. Royal Tenenbaums
1. Mystery Men

Honorable Mention: Permanent Midnight, Your Friends and Neighbors (I know this movie wasn't for everybody), and Zoolander

2003-09-25T18:29:00.000-07:00

Sitcoms

In honor of this being the advent of the fall TV season, I offer the Top Seven Best Sitcoms.

7. That 70s Show. I don't watch it regularly. But everytime I come across it, suddenly I have a very difficult time walking away from the TV.

6. Scrubs. Only in its 3rd year, but it is by far the only original writing going on in the network TV circle, outside of a few Fox shows. Speaking of Fox, did anyone see the genius that was The Andy Richter Show? That was some funny stuff.

5. Seinfield--I say its overrated but still very funny. It was nothing more than a sophisticated Three's Company with less plot. The premises from show to show were great, as were some of the characters. However, it annoyed me that Jerry's only weak trait was he was obsessively neat, while all the others had much bigger issues. Why not be true himself and have his character be a lech?

4. Family Ties--Michael J. Fox--Comic genius in that show. A show that wasn't afraid to go over-the-top from time to time. That set it apart from all the other family sitcoms.

3. Cosby Show--Early on a great show. Would be ahead of Cheers, if it didn't fizzle out. I stopped watching in maybe 1988. But what I've seen of the Theo-Goes-to-College, is, shall we say... lacking.

2. Cheers--Unlike Seinfield, Cheer's never had to break standard sitcom convention to be funny. It never once strayed from sitcom formula, yet it was brilliant. This is no easy task. It was clearly the characters that made this show work. If Rebecca had half of Diane's comic prowess, this would have given the #1 ranking a run for its money. Well, maybe not, nothing can touch....

1. The Simpsons--Every Simpsons episode has at least three things that happen where I say to myself, "Matt Groening is a genius." It is amazing hom much (from profound to silly) is packed into one show.

Honorable Mention: King of the Hill and Friends. Oh, and News Radio. Shit. This list may have to be revised.

I'm sure I've forgotten a few other shows....

2003-09-23T20:18:00.000-07:00

Fast Food Restaurants (revised)

Props out to L-Dawg for stepping up and representing, with her "White Castle" contribution. I want to revise the The Top Five Worst Fast Food restaurants because of that. Dr. Nate will be happy to see Hardee's and its shitty breakfast (perhaps in Kansas only) has been removed from the Top 5 Worst list.

I think the Top Five Best is pretty solid. I don't think Chiplote and Noodles count as fast food. No value meals and no locations along I-94 means it's not fast food. Quizno's and Schlotzky's, I know, are iffy since they are mostly in strip malls and not roadsides. However, they do have value meals, so they barely nose their way into the fast food genre. Is this fair? I don't know, but I will obsess on it, so any input to put my mind at ease (and allowing to think about more important things) is appreciated.

Regardless, without further ado...

The Revised Top 5 Worst Fast Food Restaruants (with 1 being worse than 5)

5. KFC
4. Burger King
3. White Castle
2. McDonald's
1. Jack in the Box

To be honest, I'd eat a McDonald's burger before White Castle's. However, White Castle (WC) stays at #3 for the following reasons:

1. They are a cultural icon. For example, the Beastie Boys sing about the restaurant in the same breath as "the Nile" in their classic song, "Girls."

2. The White Castle Cheeseburger Dude. As of 1994, this was WC's version of Ronald McDonald. A smiling cartoon castle waving at you with white gloves on his hands. Rrright. I stumbled across White Castle Cheeseburger Dude after a track meet in college. A certain javelin thrower who all Grinnellians know was enchanted by the waving castle, and just kept pointing, saying, "What the shit guys? White Castle Cheesburger Dude."

3. The White Castle on Lake Street in Minneapolis, as of 1997, had a Valentine's Day special. They offered a candlelit dinner for two, complete with white linens, and a waitstaff. You had to reserve ahead of time. Happy Valentine's Day baby doll! Here's 12 mini burgers to show how much I love you! That kicks so much ass.

All I know is this blog would love to see White Castle beat the shit out of Ronald McDonald, Grimace, and all the other McD fuckos in a bar brawl complete with pool sticks and shattered glass.

2003-09-22T21:10:00.000-07:00

Ford (vs. Chevy) Acronyms

When I worked in a kitchen in rural Iowa a few years back, the Ford/Chevy debate never raged to the point that people put window stickers of Calvin pissing on the rival company's logo. However, I did get my fill of Ford acronyms. There were many more than five but these are the only I remembered, so I assume they were the best.

5. Fixed or Repaired Daily (kind of redundant, don't you think?)
4. Fabrication Ordinaire Reparation Dispendieuse (French: "ordinary fabrication expensive repairs")--for all those French Chevy tough guys
3. Flipped Over Russian Dunebuggy
2. Fucked Over Rebuilt Dodge
1. Found On Roadside Dead

Image from http://www.ecardecals.com

I thought of my own once, "For Retarted Drivers Only." I thought it was so freaking stupid. It clearly paled in comparison to the clever "Found On Roadside Dead." But it didn't matter. Just because I thought of it, doesn't make it original. See for yourself and find even stupider acronyms by clicking here.

2003-09-20T12:08:00.000-07:00

Obscure Holidays

In honor of tommorow being World Gratitude Day, I submit the following lists.

Top Five Most Useful Obscure Holidays
5. National Waiter/Waitress Day (May 21)
4. Dictionary Day (October 16)
3. Sandwich Day--Not to be confused with Reuben Sandwich Day (November 3)
2. National Clean Off Your Desk Day (January 12)
1. National Bike to Work Day (May 16)

Top Five Most Worthless Obscure Holidays
5. System Administrator Day (July 30) There are plenty of professions out there that have appreciation days, but none as nerdy as this one.
3.14 Pi Day--(March, 14--get it? March 14th?) Cripes. Speaking of nerds...
3.142857143 Pi Approximation Day--separate from Pi Day (July 22--you do the math, and divide 22 by 7).
2. Balloon Ascention Day Day (January 9)
1. Oklahoma Day (April 22)

Not surprisingly October 23 is National Mole Day (anyone remember Avogadro's Number from high school chemistry?) but they Pi geek crowd has two holidays the Avogadro's crowd's one, so Mole Day didn't make the Top Five cut.

Top Five Noblest Obscure Holidays
5. Casimir Pulaski's Birthday--Illinois only (March 2). A Polish revolutionary/exile who became a hero in the American Revolution. Do they come any nobler than that???
4. World Gratitude Day--whatever the hell that is (September 21)
3. National Homeless Animals Day (August 20)--I assume this is a day to raise awareness of homeless cats and dogs. But this holiday comes off the list if I find out it was created to celebrate the fact that some animals don't have homes.
2. Federal Lands Cleanup Day (January 20)
1. Save the Rhino Day (May 1)

Top Five Obscure Holidays I Could Do Without
5. Sinkie Day (November 28). As we all know, Sinkie is "The International Association of People Who Dine Over the Kitchen Sink."
4. National Hot Dog Day (July 22--the close reader will note this is the same day as Pi Approximation Day)
3. Prohibition Remembrance Day (January 16)
2. Petroleum Day--Texas Only(August 27)
1. Mother-in-Law's Day (October 27) Just joking. Really, I can't stress enough how much this is a joke. So to repeat, this was just a joke.

Wait, joke or no joke, it's still poor judgment. So let me re-do that one... coming in at #1..... Boss Day (October 16)--Now that's a good one!

I wonder if my boss would list Employee Day (March 12) as the one holiday she'd like to get of. Well, Happy World Gratitude Day everybody!!!!

2003-09-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

Fast Food

Top Five Best Fast Food Restaurants

5. Schlotzky's
4. Wendy's
3. Whataburger
2. Subway
1. Culver's

Honorable Mention: Quizno's, A&W

Top Five Worst Fast Food Restaurants

With #1 being worse than #5
5. Hardee's
4. KFC
3. Burger King
2. McDonald's
1. Jack in the Box

2003-09-17T17:35:00.000-07:00

Welcome Aboard

Long before High Fidelity came out, I have had a mild obsession with coming up with top 5 and top 10 lists. I usually try and do top 5, but that can be hard so I wimp out and end up with a top ten list. If you clink on the High Fidelity link above, you can see just how popular and obsessive coming up with these lists can be.

The one I have struggled with most of my adult life is all-time top 5 movies. I don't want to start out on such an ambitious note (although I will tackle that list soon!). Rather, since the pennant chase is on, I'll initiate this blog with two top five lists: my five favorite and most hated baseball teams. Any thoughts?

Top Five Favorite Baseball teams

1. Minnesota Twins--As I type this, the score is tied in their Central division duel with the hated (but not top 5 hated) Chicago White Sox. Win Twins!

2. St. Louis Cardinals--Ozzie Smith was the reason as a child and Mark McGuire was the reason as an adult. Plus the birds on the baseball bat makes for a cool uniform.

3. Boston Red Sox--Always liked them, especially in 1986 against the Mets. Roger Clemens was cool back then. A native Texan who wqasn't on the Yankees! The magic of Fenway is a big draw.

4. Oakland A's--My first baseball game ever was A's vs. Mariners. My dad lived in the bay area at the time.

5. Houston Astros--I have grown to hate all things from Houston, but Nolan Ryan and those ricockulous clown uniforms from the 80's will always have a special place in my heart.

Top Five Most Hated Baseball Teams

1. The Fucking Yankees. God I hate the fucking Yankees!

2. The Asshole Dodgers. Rupert Murdoch. yuck. LA. yuck. Kevin Brown alone used to make more money on his own than the entire Twins roster combined. yuck. And most Dodger fans are probably Laker fans. yuck.

3. The Cinicinnati Reds. I can't explain this one. I just never liked this team, but I did like WKRP in Cincinnati.

4. The Rockies. They turned baseball into a cartoon. They'd be higher on the list, but I have some fun times at Coors Field (and even when they played at Mile High Stadium).

5. The Braves. They'd be an easy #2 on this list. Bobby Cox. the Tomahawk chop. Atlanta being the worst sports city in the country. If it wasn't for Greg Maddux being so freaking awesome, I'd put these media whores up with the Yankees as well.

Honorable Mention: The Diamondbacks. I'd swap them out with the Reds if i wasn't sick of blogging. I Randy Johnson, but I hate their stadium and the urban sprawl of their metro area.