Sunday, November 02, 2003
Candy
It is fitting that I am 48 hours late with a candy-themed top 5 list (you know, two days after Halloween), as I have been neglecting this blog for the past week.
But candy has been on my mind a lot lately. Emily would say it's always on my mind, which isn't ture. I also think about ice cream and cookies. Either way, here goes:
Top Five Best Candies
This list excludes premium candies, like Godiva.
5. Reese's Miniature Peanut Butter Cups--Out of all of the Reese's products, this one has the best ratio of peanut butter to chocolate. Would be much higher on the list if it wasn't so annoying to unwrap the foil off each piece of candy. At least that keeps me from eating 978 of them in one sitting.
4.Hot Tamales These have a special place in my heart from my youth, but they stick to my teeth a little too much to make it any higher than the #4 ranking.
3. Hershey's Chocolate Bars--Classic. Old-school. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. You get the idea.
2. Orange Slices--Excellent sugar-coated texture and gooey inside. Fake orange taste is also very comforting. Goes down singing hyms.
1. Malted milk balls from the grocery store bulk bin--Whoppers wouldn't even make my top ten list. But Emily introduced me to the kind you find in the grocery store bulk bins. For some reason the malted milk part tastes better and the chocolate covering is much thicker than what is found on Whoppers. Consider it a chocolate-covered chocolate malt.
Honorable Mention: Snickers A reliable treat and the official snack of US Olympic athletes, but the texture isn't satisfying. Pearson Nut Rolls Salty goodness meets the sugary Promise Land. But again, I have issues with the texture. But the Pearson Nut Roll factory is across the street from my office, if anyone cares. M&Ms Another reliable work-horse candy. Fun to eat by the hand(s)full.
Top 5 Worst Candies
You will notice a hard-candy theme here (Seinfield had a pretty good episode about the ubiquity and uselessness of hard candy).
5. Starlight Mints--Those red and white after-dinner mints. Would be higher on the list for suckiness, if not for some random college story Zander told me years ago that ended with his friend saying "Starlight mints? You're the man!!" Now I can't get that damn quote out of my head whenever I see the mints. Which is okay, because it makes me happy.
4. All-Day Suckers--Pointless. Serve as much function in life as the Pet Rock, or the inflatable globe/beach ball that my mother-in-law bought me because I want a real, old-fashioned globe.
3. Jolly Ranchers--Overrated. I remember my peers loving these things when I was a kid. I also remember some of my 3rd grade classmates who fancied themselves as budding comedians. With their amazing vocaublary range, they began calling Jolly Ranchers, "Gay Farmers." Truth be told, Jolly Ranchers suck as much ass as that stupid joke.
2. Ju Ju Fruits-- Zander loves these things and I don't know why. They taste like rubber with food coloring on it and I literally fear my filling will get pulled out when I chew them.
1. Chocolate Covered Cherries--I should visit an Ear, Nose, & Throat doctor just to prove to the world that it is physically impossible for me to swallow fruit if it's not in its raw, unadulterated state. I don't know if insurance would cover this visit, but I do know that my gag reflex kicks in at the sight of the syrup and cherry at the center of these nuggets of doom.
