Top Five And then Some

School Mascots

Top four mascots of the four schools I have attended.

4. Pioneers (Grinnell College) Lame. But not as lame as the Olies (St. Olaf), Carls (Carleton), Tommies (St. Thomas), Johnnies (St. J...oh you get the point). And nowhere near as lame as the Plainsmen (Nebraska Weslyan). Cripes, the Plainsmen?

3. Golden Gophers (University of Minnesota) Would be #4, if not for the fact that Goldie the Gopher appears to be a chipmunk. For some reason I find that pretty cool. Click here to see for yourself; it's a pretty funny story.

Image from http://www.obeygiant.com/


2. Hawkeyes (University of Iowa) Cool name, from an even cooler university, in an even cooler city.

1. Mules (Alamo Heights High School) First place mostly because of "M-U-L-L-E-S" battle cry the cheerleaders commanded at EVERY pep rally EVERY year.

You'd think in the four years I was there, the cheerleaders would have realized that it was a bad idea to use a five-letter mascot in a cheer designed for a six-letter mascot. One half of the gym was supposed to shout "M-U-L" and the other half was to follow with with "L-E-S," and then we all were to yell "GO MULES!!!!" in a hysterical, spirit-inspired unison.

Everyone just said "go mulles" instead.

Ben Stiller Movies

Something About Mary was on TV tonight. I only watched the first five minutes of it tonight (I have seen it before). However, it got me to thinking, Ben Stiller has been in some very worthwhile, if not excellent, movies. I also go back and forth in my mind as to whether or not Something About Mary is as funny as people make it out to be. I think a "Top Five Farrelly Brothers Movies" will definitely appear on this blog soon.

But for now, we'll stick with the highly talented and often funny Ben Stiller. I choose five, and only five, because it makes this a little more challenging. Some tough cuts will have to be made. Here we go...

5. Zero Effect
4. Something About Mary
3. Meet the Parents
2. Royal Tenenbaums
1. Mystery Men

Honorable Mention: Permanent Midnight, Your Friends and Neighbors (I know this movie wasn't for everybody), and Zoolander

Sitcoms

In honor of this being the advent of the fall TV season, I offer the Top Seven Best Sitcoms.

7. That 70s Show. I don't watch it regularly. But everytime I come across it, suddenly I have a very difficult time walking away from the TV.

6. Scrubs. Only in its 3rd year, but it is by far the only original writing going on in the network TV circle, outside of a few Fox shows. Speaking of Fox, did anyone see the genius that was The Andy Richter Show? That was some funny stuff.

5. Seinfield--I say its overrated but still very funny. It was nothing more than a sophisticated Three's Company with less plot. The premises from show to show were great, as were some of the characters. However, it annoyed me that Jerry's only weak trait was he was obsessively neat, while all the others had much bigger issues. Why not be true himself and have his character be a lech?

4. Family Ties--Michael J. Fox--Comic genius in that show. A show that wasn't afraid to go over-the-top from time to time. That set it apart from all the other family sitcoms.

3. Cosby Show--Early on a great show. Would be ahead of Cheers, if it didn't fizzle out. I stopped watching in maybe 1988. But what I've seen of the Theo-Goes-to-College, is, shall we say... lacking.

2. Cheers--Unlike Seinfield, Cheer's never had to break standard sitcom convention to be funny. It never once strayed from sitcom formula, yet it was brilliant. This is no easy task. It was clearly the characters that made this show work. If Rebecca had half of Diane's comic prowess, this would have given the #1 ranking a run for its money. Well, maybe not, nothing can touch....

1. The Simpsons--Every Simpsons episode has at least three things that happen where I say to myself, "Matt Groening is a genius." It is amazing hom much (from profound to silly) is packed into one show.

Honorable Mention: King of the Hill and Friends. Oh, and News Radio. Shit. This list may have to be revised.

I'm sure I've forgotten a few other shows....

Fast Food Restaurants (revised)

Props out to L-Dawg for stepping up and representing, with her "White Castle" contribution. I want to revise the The Top Five Worst Fast Food restaurants because of that. Dr. Nate will be happy to see Hardee's and its shitty breakfast (perhaps in Kansas only) has been removed from the Top 5 Worst list.

I think the Top Five Best is pretty solid. I don't think Chiplote and Noodles count as fast food. No value meals and no locations along I-94 means it's not fast food. Quizno's and Schlotzky's, I know, are iffy since they are mostly in strip malls and not roadsides. However, they do have value meals, so they barely nose their way into the fast food genre. Is this fair? I don't know, but I will obsess on it, so any input to put my mind at ease (and allowing to think about more important things) is appreciated.

Regardless, without further ado...

The Revised Top 5 Worst Fast Food Restaruants (with 1 being worse than 5)

5. KFC
4. Burger King
3. White Castle
2. McDonald's
1. Jack in the Box

To be honest, I'd eat a McDonald's burger before White Castle's. However, White Castle (WC) stays at #3 for the following reasons:

1. They are a cultural icon. For example, the Beastie Boys sing about the restaurant in the same breath as "the Nile" in their classic song, "Girls."

2. The White Castle Cheeseburger Dude. As of 1994, this was WC's version of Ronald McDonald. A smiling cartoon castle waving at you with white gloves on his hands. Rrright. I stumbled across White Castle Cheeseburger Dude after a track meet in college. A certain javelin thrower who all Grinnellians know was enchanted by the waving castle, and just kept pointing, saying, "What the shit guys? White Castle Cheesburger Dude."

3. The White Castle on Lake Street in Minneapolis, as of 1997, had a Valentine's Day special. They offered a candlelit dinner for two, complete with white linens, and a waitstaff. You had to reserve ahead of time. Happy Valentine's Day baby doll! Here's 12 mini burgers to show how much I love you! That kicks so much ass.

All I know is this blog would love to see White Castle beat the shit out of Ronald McDonald, Grimace, and all the other McD fuckos in a bar brawl complete with pool sticks and shattered glass.

Ford (vs. Chevy) Acronyms

When I worked in a kitchen in rural Iowa a few years back, the Ford/Chevy debate never raged to the point that people put window stickers of Calvin pissing on the rival company's logo. However, I did get my fill of Ford acronyms. There were many more than five but these are the only I remembered, so I assume they were the best.

5. Fixed or Repaired Daily (kind of redundant, don't you think?)
4. Fabrication Ordinaire Reparation Dispendieuse (French: "ordinary fabrication expensive repairs")--for all those French Chevy tough guys
3. Flipped Over Russian Dunebuggy
2. Fucked Over Rebuilt Dodge
1. Found On Roadside Dead


Image from http://www.ecardecals.com

I thought of my own once, "For Retarted Drivers Only." I thought it was so freaking stupid. It clearly paled in comparison to the clever "Found On Roadside Dead." But it didn't matter. Just because I thought of it, doesn't make it original. See for yourself and find even stupider acronyms by clicking here.

Obscure Holidays

In honor of tommorow being World Gratitude Day, I submit the following lists.

Top Five Most Useful Obscure Holidays
5. National Waiter/Waitress Day (May 21)
4. Dictionary Day (October 16)
3. Sandwich Day--Not to be confused with Reuben Sandwich Day (November 3)
2. National Clean Off Your Desk Day (January 12)
1. National Bike to Work Day (May 16)

Top Five Most Worthless Obscure Holidays
5. System Administrator Day (July 30) There are plenty of professions out there that have appreciation days, but none as nerdy as this one.
3.14 Pi Day--(March, 14--get it? March 14th?) Cripes. Speaking of nerds...
3.142857143 Pi Approximation Day--separate from Pi Day (July 22--you do the math, and divide 22 by 7).
2. Balloon Ascention Day Day (January 9)
1. Oklahoma Day (April 22)

Not surprisingly October 23 is National Mole Day (anyone remember Avogadro's Number from high school chemistry?) but they Pi geek crowd has two holidays the Avogadro's crowd's one, so Mole Day didn't make the Top Five cut.

Top Five Noblest Obscure Holidays
5. Casimir Pulaski's Birthday--Illinois only (March 2). A Polish revolutionary/exile who became a hero in the American Revolution. Do they come any nobler than that???
4. World Gratitude Day--whatever the hell that is (September 21)
3. National Homeless Animals Day (August 20)--I assume this is a day to raise awareness of homeless cats and dogs. But this holiday comes off the list if I find out it was created to celebrate the fact that some animals don't have homes.
2. Federal Lands Cleanup Day (January 20)
1. Save the Rhino Day (May 1)

Top Five Obscure Holidays I Could Do Without
5. Sinkie Day (November 28). As we all know, Sinkie is "The International Association of People Who Dine Over the Kitchen Sink."
4. National Hot Dog Day (July 22--the close reader will note this is the same day as Pi Approximation Day)
3. Prohibition Remembrance Day (January 16)
2. Petroleum Day--Texas Only(August 27)
1. Mother-in-Law's Day (October 27) Just joking. Really, I can't stress enough how much this is a joke. So to repeat, this was just a joke.

Wait, joke or no joke, it's still poor judgment. So let me re-do that one... coming in at #1..... Boss Day (October 16)--Now that's a good one!

I wonder if my boss would list Employee Day (March 12) as the one holiday she'd like to get of. Well, Happy World Gratitude Day everybody!!!!

Fast Food

Top Five Best Fast Food Restaurants

5. Schlotzky's
4. Wendy's
3. Whataburger
2. Subway
1. Culver's

Honorable Mention: Quizno's, A&W

Top Five Worst Fast Food Restaurants

With #1 being worse than #5
5. Hardee's
4. KFC
3. Burger King
2. McDonald's
1. Jack in the Box

Welcome Aboard

Long before High Fidelity came out, I have had a mild obsession with coming up with top 5 and top 10 lists. I usually try and do top 5, but that can be hard so I wimp out and end up with a top ten list. If you clink on the High Fidelity link above, you can see just how popular and obsessive coming up with these lists can be.

The one I have struggled with most of my adult life is all-time top 5 movies. I don't want to start out on such an ambitious note (although I will tackle that list soon!). Rather, since the pennant chase is on, I'll initiate this blog with two top five lists: my five favorite and most hated baseball teams. Any thoughts?

Top Five Favorite Baseball teams

1. Minnesota Twins--As I type this, the score is tied in their Central division duel with the hated (but not top 5 hated) Chicago White Sox. Win Twins!

2. St. Louis Cardinals--Ozzie Smith was the reason as a child and Mark McGuire was the reason as an adult. Plus the birds on the baseball bat makes for a cool uniform.

3. Boston Red Sox--Always liked them, especially in 1986 against the Mets. Roger Clemens was cool back then. A native Texan who wqasn't on the Yankees! The magic of Fenway is a big draw.

4. Oakland A's--My first baseball game ever was A's vs. Mariners. My dad lived in the bay area at the time.

5. Houston Astros--I have grown to hate all things from Houston, but Nolan Ryan and those ricockulous clown uniforms from the 80's will always have a special place in my heart.

Top Five Most Hated Baseball Teams

1. The Fucking Yankees. God I hate the fucking Yankees!

2. The Asshole Dodgers. Rupert Murdoch. yuck. LA. yuck. Kevin Brown alone used to make more money on his own than the entire Twins roster combined. yuck. And most Dodger fans are probably Laker fans. yuck.

3. The Cinicinnati Reds. I can't explain this one. I just never liked this team, but I did like WKRP in Cincinnati.

4. The Rockies. They turned baseball into a cartoon. They'd be higher on the list, but I have some fun times at Coors Field (and even when they played at Mile High Stadium).

5. The Braves. They'd be an easy #2 on this list. Bobby Cox. the Tomahawk chop. Atlanta being the worst sports city in the country. If it wasn't for Greg Maddux being so freaking awesome, I'd put these media whores up with the Yankees as well.

Honorable Mention: The Diamondbacks. I'd swap them out with the Reds if i wasn't sick of blogging. I Randy Johnson, but I hate their stadium and the urban sprawl of their metro area.